SEX MADNESS by Dwain Esper (1938)
CineCola has somewhat of a fascination for the intriguing bizarre figure of gypsy filmmaker DWAIN ESPER - as shown by our feature on the man published some time ago. But there is no excuse for this borderline disgusting film that preaches the horrors of sexual promiscuity and adultery with a storyline about a woman who cheats on her fiance with a man with STD and then proceeds to pass it on to her forever lover. This disturbing storyline is interrupted by a lengthy sequence made up of scenes of actual medical footage of patients with veneral diseases.
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? by Sam Weisman (2001)
The worst that could happen is, of course, this godawul film about two idiots, one a thief and the other a rich man. The first steals a ring and the second tries to steal it back. But who cares. Nothing in this film is funny. Considering MARTIN LAWRENCE's filmography, we shouldn't be surprised, but considering DANNY DE VITO is virtually playing the same character he would play with great success in IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA but PG version, it's easy to wish that this film never existed.
HOLLYWOOD AFTER DARK (or WALK THE ANGRY BEACH) by John Hayes (1968)
At an official length of 1 hour and 16 minutes, this film is at least 45 minutes of filler. Also, there's some type of a B-movie noir storyline somewhere in this, but nobody cares. What makes this film worth mentioning is that it stars GOLDEN GIRL RUE MCCLANAHAN as a stripper. Rue, of course, has zero sex appeal and in a lengthy exotic dance sequence, you kind of feel sorry more for the actress than the character she plays. You kind of just want to wrap her up in a blanket and buy her a cup of tea, y'know? Very awkward.
VIVA KNEIVEL! by Gordon Douglas (1977)
The great American daredevil and stunt driver EVEL KNIEVEL plays himself as a man who, when he is not dodging death on his motorcycle, he is fighting off a drug cartel, reuniting estranged sons and fathers, inspiring disabled kids to walk, turning feminists into purring pussycats and so on. Queue in the American national anthem. This is treading on familiar BABE RUTH STORY ground, except BABE RUTH himself never played the role of JESUS CHRIST.
LES TEXTILES by Franck Landron (2004)
A family accidentally books themselves on a holiday to a nudist beach resort. Nudists in cinema are often synonymous with sexual obsession, so we can all guess how the story will go. But LANDRON likens himself to ERIC ROHMER and fills LES TEXTILES with a despicable air of seriousness and a compleet lack of comic relief. The film as released internationally, and you can just imagine distributors thinking "arthouse audiences are gonna love it. It's got tits, asses, cocks and lengthy conversations." Bollocks!
SWEPT AWAY by Guy Ritchie (2002)
So bad, it made director of the original LINA WERTMULLER cry, buried GUY RITCHIE's career and drove him to alcoholist, eventually breaking up his marriage with then wife and star of the film MADONNA. On the subject, this film is all about MADONNA. Despite the provocative premise, the film is just a chance for the music superstar to pose ad nauseam. She might as well be alone on the island. In fact, judging by ADRIANO GIANNINI's charisma, son of the star of the original GIANCARLO, she probably was.
GHOSTS CAN'T DO IT by John Derek (1989)
Speaking of worst husband wife director actress teams - ladies and gentlemen, JOHN DEREK and BO DEREK. The two inxplicably got to make four films together, before finally giving up. This was the last one, and mostly features BO DEREK talking to herself, as ANTHONY QUINN in the role of her older husband communicates with her from the afterlife. Despite the two's interactions making up for the vast majority of the film, they never share the screen, and QUINN was clearly filmed separately. To add to the stupidity of the film, she openly discusses her plans of killing a man so that she her hubby can possess his body and no one does anything about it. Supposedly, this film is supposed to be a comedy, but no. Just no. And the worst part is that, given the age difference of the characters, they are supposed to be representation of JOHN and BO themselves. In fact, it's almost as if they made the film the amuse themselves and screw everyone else. To top it off, the film features the lovable DONALD TRUMP in a random supporting role. The worst part is that he is almost too comfortably the best thing in the film. Which obviously makes one hate GHOSTS CAN'T DO IT even more.
LOVE ME, LOVE MY MONEY by Jing Wong (2001)
Rich guy loses money. Rich guy falls for a girl and pretends to be rich. She falls for him. In the end, rich guy is rich again and they live happily ever after. Oh yeah, spoiler alert. Turns out HONG KONG can make rom-coms just as bad as they do in the States. So, what makes it so different? Aside from it's structured repetitiveness, a hilarious final sequence on a hot air balloon adorned by a massive product placement company logo that in the end is not only the thing that people will most likely remember of this film, but also the funniest moment in it.
KING OF THE TRAVELERS by Mark O'Connor (2012)
A blatant attempt to feed off the success of KNUCKLE, the excellent documentary by IAN PALMER, MARK O'CONNOR's brutal film is completely incompetent in every element. From its storyline, another ROMEO AND JULIET structured blood feud between two rival families of the Irish Travelling community to every other aspect, in which no one seems to have any idea what they are supposed to be doing. To top it off, the film's leading star has the charisma of a mini fridge. Seemingly, almost a million euro was spent on this pile of garbage. YORGOS LANTHIMOS made DOGTOOTH for half that budget and now the IRISH FILM BOARD is co-producting his films.
GULLIVER'S TRAVELS by Peter R. Hunt (1977)
The makers clearly bit off more than they could chew when they decided to recreate JONATHAN SWIFT's notorious film with a mixture of live action and animation. The animation is some of the worst of its time, with the figures just constantly repeating movements. To top it off, the great RICHARD HARRIS spends most of his time either looking bewildered of drunk.
TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER by Blake Edwards (1982)
What is a PINK PANTHER doing in a list like this? Well, we can't really call this an official addition to the genre, and its existance is quite tasteless in its own right. When PETER SELLERS died, about twenty percent of TRAIL OF THE PINK PANTHER had been shot. You'd think this wouldn't be enough to turn it into a feature. But no. BLAKE EDWARDS went ahead and released it anyways, composing the final work out of deleted scenes and outtakes from previous films. The whole film makes no sense, it's pure jibberish made to capitalize on the death of his longtime collaborator. Despite the film dedicated to him, as the one and only INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU, not only did he suffer a lawsuit from SELLER's wife for ruining her husband's reputation, but one year later, good ol' BLAKE would direct a follow up where the one and only CLOUSEAU would be replaced by TED WASS! Business as usual.